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This One Weird Trick Will Get You Laid! - Elf M. Sternberg
This One Weird Trick Will Get You Laid!
I was joking with one of my better friends and suggested that I should write a "This One Weird Trick Will Get You Laid" post. She agreed that I should do it, so I set about brainstorming and thinking of all the things and how I could boil it all down to one weird trick, but while I was doing research, I realized, fuck it, someone else has already done it better than I have, so go read this comic: Risky Date.

That comic accurately describes the insane amounts of mental calculus a woman has to do every time she goes out on a date. It's an understandable level of stark terror that is well supported by the statistics, as Louis CK recites in one of his stand-up routines1. No wonder women look side-eyed at you when you ask for a date. Look at this way: you have a bowl of 500 M&M's. Five of them are poisoned; you're not likely to die, but you'll be vomiting sick for weeks, there's a chance you may never be able to eat again without feeling nausea, and you'll probably never want M&M's ever again.

Go ahead, have a sample. That's the whole risk/likelihood thing again.

There is a way to up the likelihood that a woman will start to believe you're not one of the dangerous ones. That you aren't a poison pill. It's actually very simple. It's that one weird trick that will get you laid:

Believe every woman is a real human being.

I said it was weird. It seems to be weird, and difficult, for a large group of men to believe that every woman is a real human being with all the personality, agency, and self-ness that you have2.

Every woman is a real human being, made of the same stuff that makes up men, and in most cases with drives very similar to men. The first thing you learn when you accept that women are human beings is that women like sex. They like it a lot. They may like it much more than men do.

Here's the problem though: once you've performed the one weird trick, a ton of responsibilities fall on your head, and meeting these responsibilities is a challenge. Of course, if you're a real man, stepping up to the plate, meeting your responsibilities, and conquering challenges is your forte in life, it's what you were made to do.

Responsibility #1: Help her feel like her sex drive is welcome today, tomorrow, and forever. Remember that bowl of M&M's? Imagine if, instead of 5 dreadful poisoned candies, there were 100 that gave you the worst gas you'd ever experienced. Noisome, smelly farts that lasted for weeks, that made you feel bad and made others feel bad about being around you. That's what a lot of guys do: they have sex with a woman and then they badmouth her in public, they make her feel bad about having a sex drive. Men, we have to stop pissing in our own nests, creating a world where every woman hates her own sex drive because she fears we'll treat her badly for having one.

Responsibility #2: Get good at sex. Read up on it, figure out what works for you and for women. Before you get into bed, talk about your list of what you'd like to try and ask her for hers. It's no fair to surprise her after you're naked (see Responsibility #1). If you're not experienced, man up, confess your inexperience, and ask for permission to practice. Women are delighted to be part of the learning process, as long as they're aware that it is learning and you're not just some unperceptive jerk. Most porn is terrible at this, but if you find porn made by women, and books about sex written by women, you might glean a few hints about what those women want, and you'll have a much better chance at getting what you want.

The two prior responsibilities are what you do when you've managed to say "Yes" to sex. And it is "Yes!" that you have to get, not "Maybe," not silence, not drunken unconsciousness. As a man, your responsibility is to get to "Yes!"

And it's a pleasure to get to yes. It's a pleasure to hear her giggle, to make her laugh, to hear her moan, to get "Yes" over and over as your hands are straying places and you're asking, "How about this? And this? And this?" It's a pleasure to do your best. Those are the pleasures men are made for.

Women want two things out of a sexual encounter: she wants pleasure, and she wants tomorrow to be as good as today. Part of her pleasure is knowing you had a good time. Part of your pleasure ought to be knowing she had a good time. Don't ruin it by disrespecting her.

How do you get to exercise these responsibilities?

Responsibility #3: Go back to the comic. You believe she's a human being; you believe she deserves awesome sex as much as you do, and you're willing to take your first two responsibilities as a man and do your best with her to have fun in bed. You have to convince her that you're not going to assault her.

Small scale, that's hard. But there is one great technique: the safecall. Make sure she has a friend who knows where she is, and who she's with. This is a common technique in S&M to ensure mutual safety: Give her your phone number, and have her forward it to a friend. (If you're not into S&M, tell her so: "50 Shades of Grey isn't really my thing, but I read about the safecall idea while reading some article, and I thought it's a really good idea for more than just people into whips and chains and stuff.")  Let her know that you value her safety, and that you're willing to take those extra steps necessary so that she feels safe.

But also do the other things: meet on neutral ground. Until you're sure the relationship isn't going to take off, do everything you can to not make her feel penned in, threatened, in danger. Do the reassuring things. Have patience. Exercise the self-control a man ought to have.

Large scale, that's easy. Talk about sex. A lot. In public. Make talking about sex part of your whole persona. Be a lot of other things, too: talk about your professional life, the sports you love, the food you love, the people you love. But talk about the sex you love, and what you're good at, and what you'd like to be better at, and so forth.

Did that?


Because now your reputation is on the line if you screw it up.

And women know it.

But you're a man, right? Good at meeting your responsibilities. Braced with honor. The caretaker of your reputation.



One weird trick: Be good at being a man.

1One strain of rabid misogyny on the Internet is the so-called "red pill" brigade of men who have "taken the red pill" and "seen the truth about women." While looking for that Louis CK video, the very first hit was that video interspliced with images from The Matrix and overlaying text explaining how Louis CK was a "mangina," a "merging of self-hatred, hatred of other men, and masochism." So, there are some people who are never gonna get this, never understand what I'm talking about... and that's the problem.

2It has always been genuinely strange to me that the misogyny brigade, at least that segment of it that's still trying to get laid, loves two books: How To Win Friends and Influence People, and The Charisma Myth. Both books have techniques, good and solid techniques, for opening up to other people, and having them open up to you; techniques of vocabulary choice, body language, touch and so on. But both books have a profound truth: we human beings are wired to detect deception first, and we give ourselves away quickly and unconsciously. None of those techniques work unless we genuinely like people in the first place. And the misogyny brigade genuinely does not like women.

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5 comments or Leave a comment
livejournal From: livejournal Date: April 8th, 2015 02:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
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huntergrant From: huntergrant Date: April 8th, 2015 02:48 pm (UTC) (Link)

One weird trick: Don't think women are a hive mind

Guess what it is possible A woman may have treated you poorly in a relationship, or more likely, you were in a relationship with A woman that was not a good match with you. This does not then translate into - all women behave this way and deserve to be pre-judged and treated accordingly. You should get to know each woman you are attracted to as an individual and explore whether or not the two of you are aligned and both romantically (or just physically) interested. If so it will likely escalate naturally. If a woman seems uninterested in you and does not complement your personality, perhaps the most beneficial thing for both parties is to not try and force a connection, just a thought.

I was in a terrible relationship once, the woman cheated on me, left me for someone based purely on my career not going the way I wanted it to at the time, but I was actively working on finding a better job, and she was older than me and initialized me constantly. After we broke up I met someone else and shocker, she was not the same person so those problems didn't manifest and we have been married for six years. If you have a bad relationship don't take it out on every woman, if you do that, I'm going to guess they women you've dated might not be the problem.
elfs From: elfs Date: April 8th, 2015 03:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: One weird trick: Don't think women are a hive mind

Most men don't assume other men are part of a hive-mind; the average man believes he's an individual, and so therefore other men are individuals. But guys grow up and sometimes the cultural meme that women are a collective gets lodged in their brains.

Assuming a woman comes from the same species, has the same agency and individuality, is part of the whole point.
bldrnrpdx From: bldrnrpdx Date: April 8th, 2015 07:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Is it okay if I share this with, um... everyone?
elfs From: elfs Date: April 8th, 2015 08:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, sure!
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